On The Road Again (Stories of the 41st Millennium)
by DissMech
Summary: Stories following the 377th Morale Enhancement Battalion through their adventures in the endless wars of the might Imperium of Man. Forget the promises of professionalism and grooming regulations. In the grim darkness of the far future there are only custom paint jobs and space marijuana.


The sound that came from the vox of every vox set tuned to channel seven was unholy. It was an atrocity. If the Imperium had the concept of inhumane punishment the maker of such noises would surely be charged with such an offense. It was the sound of someone attempting, and failing badly, to imitate the reveille bugle call with their lips. Despite the horror, all over the eastern front of the Ibraxis campaign guardsmen took a moment to turn up their vox sets. The trumpeting finally ended with the sound of a woman panting for breath, then a yelp and a clang. And then, of course, the show began, just like it did every day on Ibraxis, at six in the morning on the dot.

"Gooooooooood morning Ibraxis!" The woman's voice was obnoxiously cheery, far too awake for this time of the morning. Far too awake for the Guard. "Hey everyone. The Administratum's weather service is promising us a_gorgeous_ day. It's gonna be a balmy eighteen centigrade and we should be having plenty of sunshine today." Corporal Ariela Ericsson paused to let that wonderful news sink in. The silence was filled by the thunder of rain on the steel roof of her Chimera. "So open up those hatches and let that sunshine just _pour_ in guys! The Administratum assures me that fatigues soaked by sunshine can be easily dried out by leaving them in the rain for an hour."

Ariela slumped in her seat, it made her look even shorter than usual, her too-large fatigue coat rode up uncomfortably. The Chimera was stiflingly hot and only half because of the engine and the people. Eighteen centigrade her ass. She propped her feet up on the seat in front of her while Enginseer Camilia grumbled under her breath and went over everything the diminutive corporal had touched with an oiled cloth. Overkill surely? Ariela shrugged and triggered the vox set again. "Now for local news. The Munitorium has lost your rations of canned nausea for the week. I'm afraid you're going to have to put up with - brace yourselves, guys - grox patties and grated tubers." Ariela arranged her face in what would have been an extremely convincing pout had her green eyes not been shining with glee. "I know guys, I'm disappointed too. But if it makes you feel any better, we of the 377th will suffer alongside you," She finished her speech in a sorrowful melodramatic voice, before once again switching back to her usual chirp. "And now for the music! This one's for all you guys who know a girl you'd really like to get… a little closer with. Enjoy." The vox mic clicked off and the music began to blare. 

The Chimera rumbled down the muddy road, one of a few dozen in the 377th Morale Enhancement Battalion. It was a mongrel battalion, made up of the remaining scraps of several dozen shredded regiments with a few new kids thrown in for flavor. They were an experiment, one that the Munitorium didn't feel was promising enough to dedicate an entire brand new battalion to. Their eccentric reputation probably came half from the bizarre amalgamation of soldiers hailing from twenty or more different worlds, and half from the fact that most of the veterans were long past caring about regulations they saw as pointless. The new kids just had a tendency to follow their lead.

Sergeant Darby Sorte was possibly one of the last few members of the 377th to attempt to keep to something vaguely resembling professionalism. His black hair was shorn close to his squarish head, his dull green armor unadorned save for his rank and unit. And despite how common it had become to ignore shaving regulations, his face still remained entirely free of hair. Despite his dark skin gleaming with sweat you could still count on the man to be fastidiously clean. Unfortunately, try as he might, he could not manage to keep the other soldiers in his Chimera up to similar standards. Enginseer Camilia, neat freak though she was, had still endeavored to construct a still in the back of the vehicle. Private Rico de Anero had long ago traded his fatigue jacket for a quite frankly, embarrassing T-shirt. He wasn't entirely sure what was written on it, the world he'd picked it up on didn't speak Gothic as a first language, but he doubted it said anything good about Rico's character. And Corporal Ericsson barely seemed cognizant of the fact that she was in the Guard half the time. He winced as something metallic banged beneath the blare of the music. Darby ducked back inside the hatch to see Camilia throw another empty ammunition box at Ariela, it was like dealing with teenagers. "Children!" He barked. Both women looked up guiltily. "Knock it off or I will separate you two." He held up a finger as they smirked, "I mean it. If one of you wants to ride on the roof in the rain, be my guest."

Ariela stuck out her tongue at Darby's back as he stood back up. The tech priestess beside her gave her a disapproving look. But then Camilia was constantly giving her disapproving looks, it had long since ceased to bother Ariela. A lot of things had ceased to bother her since she'd joined the Guard. Rain, mud, bad singing voices, a lack of toilet paper, and of course, glaring tech priestesses. "That means I win," Ariela opined after a moment, "clearly Sergeant Sorte agrees with me. Fenrisian wolves are objectively cooler than dragons no matter how many metal bits you stuff into them." She grinned happily as Camilia spluttered beside her in disbelief. Winning an argument with the tech priestess always made her day better… even if she had to cheat to do it. 

The battalion had stopped for an ever so welcome ten minute break. It was time to stretch their legs, take a leak, all those things you couldn't easily do in a moving chimera. In Camilia's case it was time to wax her baby. Again. Thank the Omnissiah it had stopped raining. The chimera was definitely not standard issue, at least not anymore. It had been painstakingly painted a glossy dark red, with a detailed Opus Machina in gleaming gold on the side. The nonstandard paintjob seemed to magnetically attract mud, but it was absolutely worth it. Atop the chimera however was the most bizarre modification. The long boxy shapes could have almost been mistaken for missile pods until one looked a bit closer. It had taken her and Ariela weeks to cobble together the massive speakers from scrap electronics and flakboard, but in the end it had worked. Darby had complained about being heard for kilometers, but in the end hadn't bothered to try to force them to take the speakers down. The tech priestess looked up as Darby returned from whatever business he'd been taking care of, that probably meant it was time to get on the road again, "Where's Ericsson?" He asked instead. Camilia looked up from the chimera. Looked left, looked right, no Ariela.

Camilia looked back down and continued to work on a particularly stubborn spot of mud, "She's getting in trouble," She replied, unconcerned. She was sure it wasn't a big deal. If it had been, someone would have started screaming by now. Probably. She could feel the weight of Darby's glare on her back. That was extremely irritating. Her optical mechadendrite shifted to look at him. His face was stern and he was pointing away from the chimera. She knew what that meant. Camilia threw her rags onto the roof and sighed, "_Fine,_ I'll go get her."

Ariela stood in the midst of the forest surrounded by small furry creatures, wearing a crown of violet flowers that clashed rather horrendously with her vivid red hair. Camilia allowed her sun-tanned, and at the moment, extremely exasperated face, to rest in the palm of one hand. "What the hell are you doing Ariela?" She asked, honestly afraid to know the answer.

Ariela drew herself up to her full - and entirely unimpressive - height, and thrust her nose into the air haughtily. "You may call me _Queen_ Ariela of the Beast Kingdom. Thou metallic plebiate." She glared at the tech priestess in what she no doubt thought a very regal expression. In Camilia's honest opinion it made her look constipated.

Camilia sighed, "It's _plebian,_ Ariela. Your proper title is Corporal Ariela Ericsson, and you won't be queen of anything anytime soon." She nudged a bushy-tailed rodent away with one massive boot, glaring at it contemptuously. Animals, disgusting. Shedding, and puking, and shitting anywhere. She had no idea what anyone saw in them. "Now come on. Break time's over. Back to the chimera." The 'queen' glared obstinately. Camilia crossed her arms and the claw on the end of one of her mechadendrites snapped menacingly. "Don't make me carry you back Ariela."

Ariela pointed at the tech priestess dramatically, foot forwards, arm out-thrust. "Attack, my minions!" She screeched. The animals surrounding her… did no such thing. Most of them took one look at their self appointed queen and scampered away. The few that remained did little of use. Ariela squeaked as the large clawed mechadendrite lifted her off the ground by the back of her flak vest. She banged both her small fists uselessly against the heavy steel arm. "Traitors! I'll see you hanged for this!"

Darby watched impassively, as Camilia dragged the thrashing, squirming guardswoman back into the chimera. This was, well not normal exactly, but not unusual either. "You're on turret duty Ericsson," He said as he climbed inside the vehicle. He would be glad for a chance to sit down. The guardswoman pulled on her helmet, painted over her rank insignia was a skull and crossbones. In bright pink. Darby slumped forward and slammed his forehead into the dashboard. "Didn't I tell you to paint over that damn thing?" He asked wearily.

Ariela appeared to honestly think about that for a moment before standing up in the turret. She had to plant her feet on the armrests of the seats in front of her to reach the gun. "I don't remember. Did you?" She leaned backwards without even waiting for him to answer. "Hey Camilia! Crank it up!" She screamed. To Darby's (eternal) dismay, Camilia immediately obliged. Speakers which had up to now, been thumping, began to blare. And was it good music? Was it hymns, or opera, or nice calming orchestral music? Oh no. No that would be too much to ask. "I'm not here for your entertaaaaaaainment," Ariela was… sort of singing. More like screaming to a tune. Darby groaned and signaled Rico to hit the gas in the hopes that the engine would drown out her song.

Camilia rolled her eyes as Ariela began to sing. Every time she was on the turret. Every single time. She grunted as the chimera's engine roared and the machine jerked into motion. It wasn't enough to make the singing redhead miss a beat. Nor enough to quite drown her out either for that matter. "You're a fucking dork Ariela!" Camilia had to shout to make herself heard over the roar of the engines and the thundering speakers atop their vehicle.

The formation of chimeras and supply trucks drove at top speed into the forests of Ibraxis. Their treads and tyres sprayed plumes of muddy water the whole way. Where were they going? Ariela honestly had no clue. She didn't really care either. Had it been mentioned? She shrugged and spared the briefest moment to acknowledge Camilia's shout. "Bitch you _wish_ you were as cool as me!" She whooped as the Chimera drove at top speed over a berm, flying at least three meters into the air, before landing back on the road with a crash. She could see the flash of artillery off in the distance. It didn't bother her. Onward to adventure!


End file.
